This is so real + true. I'm having a similar back and forth. What am I an expert at? What should I be known for? What is my unique place here? And those answers always started with work concepts. My job, my specialisms, my unique work abilities. But those always left me feeling a bit empty or partial answers or cover for the "real" answer (whatever that is). But I'm slowly getting to the place of doing the things that give me the kind of fun, kinetic joy and the energy that you want to run into the next room and tell your friends or family about. And, my hope, is that by trying to recognize those joyful projects or activities or whatever-they-are, I'll have a clearer idea and answer to a question about who I am.
Wonderful piece. I am going through a similar experience at the moment, and every word you wrote resonated. The need for a new identity (or the rediscovery of a lost one) is part of the reason why I joined Substack. I am looking forward to reading more of your content!
This really resonated. I moved from a pastry chef role at a notable London restaurant to bartending in York while on working holiday. Same person, completely different standing. The bar staff had no idea who I was or what I'd done and I felt it immediately. Identity is so tied to what we do and who can see us doing it. Thank you for writing this idea out so well.
Letting go of identities we’ve held for long is SO unnerving. And an amazing practice of surrender and letting life take shape without being so confined. Excited to follow along your journey!
Unnerving is exactly the right word! Practicing that 'surrender' has been a huge learning curve, but it really does open up so much space to let life take its own shape. I'm so glad you're here for the journey
Career and identity can become so entwined over the years. It’s interesting so many women in midlife are looking to untangle and rearrange the status quo
It really is isn't it! It can feel so disorienting at first when you drop the title, but it's incredibly liberating too. It's messy work, but feels so necessary at the same time.
People have this impulse to categorize everything which includes what you do for work. I find myself adding, "I was at Amazon for 8 years" before continuing on.
I hear you completely! It’s so weird how we automatically default to our jobs as if they define our entire existence. I love your approach, it really lets you take control of the narrative right out of the gate! I definitely wish I had the confidence to navigate conversations like that in my early twenties!
This is so accurate. I've been a fan of the aspirational title for a long time - I remember when I started putting "theater director" long before I ever got paid for it. But now that's starting to feel like a label that's not true anymore and I am also not sure what to write instead. Maybe the box is the problem?
Such a great reflection! 100% agree—the box is definitely the problem. Societal pressures have totally normalized forcing ourselves into these rigid frameworks, and it just doesn't work anymore!
Not the same situation, but along similar lines…I left my teaching career after 16 years to be a stay at home mom. Almost five years later and I still struggle when people ask what I do for a living. I always feel the need to qualify and say that I was a teacher.
Identity and career and self - all jumbled together. And now as my youngest heads to Kindergarten, I’m back to wondering WHO am I?
Thank you so much for sharing and for sitting with this piece Carmela. It really is all jumbled together isn't it! I relate to the transition, the 'what do you do?' question is so loaded when you've stepped away from a long career.
Transitioning from a 16-year career to motherhood, and now facing a wide-open space as your youngest starts Kindergarten, is an incredible series of shifts.
I used to feel so much pressure to hold onto one static identity, which is why I created this 'multiple lives' framework to help me get through it. It’s so freeing to realize we don't have to be just one thing, and that it's okay to let our answers change. Thank you for reading and sharing here — cheering you on as you figure out who you are in this next beautiful phase!
Absolutely! It IS freeing to realize that we are complex, diverse human beings who can take on different roles throughout our lives. Still, it's hard to let go of what "used to be" or pre-conceived notions of what should/could have been. It's definitely a learning AND unlearning process.
Once I obtained the coveted title of "Director of Marketing," I was surprised to find it left me feeling a little flat. For years, I secretly wanted to be a writer. After a layoff, a few other jobs, and some freelance work, I started a blog and eventually a Substack. Now when people ask what I do, I often say I'm a writer.
What struck me about your post is that I had almost the opposite experience. The corporate title never answered the deeper question for me. Writing does—not because it's more prestigious, but because it feels more aligned with who I am.
This resonates so much with me. 8 years in the same position with the same company and when I left I was so lost. "I’d been so busy being useful that I’d never checked whether there was a version of me that existed when I wasn’t." There is a version of me, I'm finding her now and loving the journey!
What struck me here is the idea that a title can quietly answer questions it was never meant to answer. Not just what we do, but whether we matter, belong, or have value. The observation that being needed can become proof of worth felt especially precise.
Many people leave jobs expecting to lose structure, only to discover they have lost an identity they didn't realize they were borrowing
yessss, I’ve been there! still there! it’s an uncomfortable and visceral feeling that many of us have experienced… thanks for writing about it so transparently. Glad I found your sub!
I remember my father always hated that question, “what do you do?“ I realize that what he did didn’t represent the enormity of who he was. And his question to others was always “tell me something wonderful about your world“?
It’s such a limiting thing to describe yourself by your job title. None of us fit into a neat and tidy little box, we are all so complex and continually evolving and becoming.
I really appreciate you expressing this so beautifully!
I used to dread that four word question ‘what do u do?’ A conversation opener to some but to me it was a threat to my existence. It drove me to cycles of depression and losing meaning to living. What’s the point? Is that all there is?
And that drove me to a psychedelic retreat that cracked things open and it’s been different since. I’m very far from an answer and I’m still figuring it out but it carries a different energy now. I started my substack to express more on this.
This is so real + true. I'm having a similar back and forth. What am I an expert at? What should I be known for? What is my unique place here? And those answers always started with work concepts. My job, my specialisms, my unique work abilities. But those always left me feeling a bit empty or partial answers or cover for the "real" answer (whatever that is). But I'm slowly getting to the place of doing the things that give me the kind of fun, kinetic joy and the energy that you want to run into the next room and tell your friends or family about. And, my hope, is that by trying to recognize those joyful projects or activities or whatever-they-are, I'll have a clearer idea and answer to a question about who I am.
Wonderful piece. I am going through a similar experience at the moment, and every word you wrote resonated. The need for a new identity (or the rediscovery of a lost one) is part of the reason why I joined Substack. I am looking forward to reading more of your content!
This really resonated. I moved from a pastry chef role at a notable London restaurant to bartending in York while on working holiday. Same person, completely different standing. The bar staff had no idea who I was or what I'd done and I felt it immediately. Identity is so tied to what we do and who can see us doing it. Thank you for writing this idea out so well.
Love the write up … so true that our jobs become such an integral part of our identity
Letting go of identities we’ve held for long is SO unnerving. And an amazing practice of surrender and letting life take shape without being so confined. Excited to follow along your journey!
Unnerving is exactly the right word! Practicing that 'surrender' has been a huge learning curve, but it really does open up so much space to let life take its own shape. I'm so glad you're here for the journey
Career and identity can become so entwined over the years. It’s interesting so many women in midlife are looking to untangle and rearrange the status quo
It really is isn't it! It can feel so disorienting at first when you drop the title, but it's incredibly liberating too. It's messy work, but feels so necessary at the same time.
People have this impulse to categorize everything which includes what you do for work. I find myself adding, "I was at Amazon for 8 years" before continuing on.
I hear you completely! It’s so weird how we automatically default to our jobs as if they define our entire existence. I love your approach, it really lets you take control of the narrative right out of the gate! I definitely wish I had the confidence to navigate conversations like that in my early twenties!
This is so accurate. I've been a fan of the aspirational title for a long time - I remember when I started putting "theater director" long before I ever got paid for it. But now that's starting to feel like a label that's not true anymore and I am also not sure what to write instead. Maybe the box is the problem?
Such a great reflection! 100% agree—the box is definitely the problem. Societal pressures have totally normalized forcing ourselves into these rigid frameworks, and it just doesn't work anymore!
Thanks for sharing this!
Not the same situation, but along similar lines…I left my teaching career after 16 years to be a stay at home mom. Almost five years later and I still struggle when people ask what I do for a living. I always feel the need to qualify and say that I was a teacher.
Identity and career and self - all jumbled together. And now as my youngest heads to Kindergarten, I’m back to wondering WHO am I?
Thank you so much for sharing and for sitting with this piece Carmela. It really is all jumbled together isn't it! I relate to the transition, the 'what do you do?' question is so loaded when you've stepped away from a long career.
Transitioning from a 16-year career to motherhood, and now facing a wide-open space as your youngest starts Kindergarten, is an incredible series of shifts.
I used to feel so much pressure to hold onto one static identity, which is why I created this 'multiple lives' framework to help me get through it. It’s so freeing to realize we don't have to be just one thing, and that it's okay to let our answers change. Thank you for reading and sharing here — cheering you on as you figure out who you are in this next beautiful phase!
Absolutely! It IS freeing to realize that we are complex, diverse human beings who can take on different roles throughout our lives. Still, it's hard to let go of what "used to be" or pre-conceived notions of what should/could have been. It's definitely a learning AND unlearning process.
Once I obtained the coveted title of "Director of Marketing," I was surprised to find it left me feeling a little flat. For years, I secretly wanted to be a writer. After a layoff, a few other jobs, and some freelance work, I started a blog and eventually a Substack. Now when people ask what I do, I often say I'm a writer.
What struck me about your post is that I had almost the opposite experience. The corporate title never answered the deeper question for me. Writing does—not because it's more prestigious, but because it feels more aligned with who I am.
This resonates so much with me. 8 years in the same position with the same company and when I left I was so lost. "I’d been so busy being useful that I’d never checked whether there was a version of me that existed when I wasn’t." There is a version of me, I'm finding her now and loving the journey!
What struck me here is the idea that a title can quietly answer questions it was never meant to answer. Not just what we do, but whether we matter, belong, or have value. The observation that being needed can become proof of worth felt especially precise.
Many people leave jobs expecting to lose structure, only to discover they have lost an identity they didn't realize they were borrowing
That is why I always try to avoid asking people “what do you do”.. Maybe the right question is “are you happy”
yessss, I’ve been there! still there! it’s an uncomfortable and visceral feeling that many of us have experienced… thanks for writing about it so transparently. Glad I found your sub!
I remember my father always hated that question, “what do you do?“ I realize that what he did didn’t represent the enormity of who he was. And his question to others was always “tell me something wonderful about your world“?
It’s such a limiting thing to describe yourself by your job title. None of us fit into a neat and tidy little box, we are all so complex and continually evolving and becoming.
I really appreciate you expressing this so beautifully!
I used to dread that four word question ‘what do u do?’ A conversation opener to some but to me it was a threat to my existence. It drove me to cycles of depression and losing meaning to living. What’s the point? Is that all there is?
And that drove me to a psychedelic retreat that cracked things open and it’s been different since. I’m very far from an answer and I’m still figuring it out but it carries a different energy now. I started my substack to express more on this.
Thank you for sharing